I have been simmering on the idea of self-care during this time of COVID. Often, it seems as if self-care has certain expectations associated with it. It is either pampering yourself, like having a spa day experience or a massage,
or etching out time to do something extra that few of us have time for, like a new exercise plan or meditation ritual. The question I have been pondering on regarding self-care is truly identifying what I want or need, moment by moment.
This is my commitment to myself as I hear the question “what’s your New Year’s Resolution?”. I am not setting a specific goal for exercise, books to read, or meals to prep. My commitment is fluid yet consistent.
- Be mindful of my emotional, mental, and physical state.
- Identify what need or want is being communicated by that state.
- Take care of that need or want, sometimes by asking specifically for support.
I have had a few experiences recently with this new practice that have really surprised me.
The first thing I started to notice is my own internal dialogue and how I ignore my needs and wants. I noticed how often I don’t pay attention to what I want. My feelings and thoughts start out quiet and slowly build to a loud frustration or resentment point. As I have started paying more attention to my emotional, mental, and physical state, I started to hear my own internal dialogue regarding asking for support. Some of these internal conversations about the other people in my life sounded like:
- “it’ll be too hard for them”
- “they are too busy””
- “I should be doing ___ myself”
- “I don’t want to be a bother”
Once I recognized that, I could choose to question that thought pattern. Do I know for sure that they are too busy? Would it really be too hard for them? Why do I need to do this myself?
The next thing that surprised me was how when I asked for what I wanted, not only did this benefit me but it also benefited the people around me. When I ask for what I want, I contribute to others! Here are the small examples from my life:
- When I was feeling cold on a gloomy Monday, I asked my partner for a fire. Not only did I feel warmed, but we all sat together in front of it and read books, drew in a sketch pad, caught up on the news, and played cards.
- I was hungry, I noticed that my child hadn’t eaten yet either. I asked if we could eat together and invited other family members to join. We enjoyed a spontaneous family lunch date.
- On a complicated schedule night when I thought I had to shoulder the burden of meal prep, extended family needs, and engaging the children, I asked specifically for what I needed. My stress was alleviated and everyone was empowered to play their own part in the solution.
I am appreciating this new insight and practice as many of us look to the New Year as a reset point. What ways can you listen to yourself newly? Can you take a moment and notice your emotional, mental, and physical state? What specific need could someone help you with? What surprises might you create in your family?
Come join me in a conversation! New groups and classes starting soon or you can schedule a one-on-one or call with your partner. You can find out more about me and the team at Virginia Family Therapy here.
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