During this pandemic, while sheltering in place, have you experienced more power struggles with your child than usual? I know I have! First of all, since the kids are at home more of the time, there is just more time for interactions, both joyful and challenging. Second, we, as adults, are feeling the constraint of not being able to follow our regular routine, like go to work, visit family members, or work out at the gym. Our kids are feeling that restriction, too! For them, it might show up in some pretty frustrating ways. Here’s what I’ve seen in my household or heard from parents:
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Refusal, like “No, I won’t”, when asked to complete a chore.
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Disrespectful communication, like arguing, sarcasm, mocking, and name-calling.
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Ignoring or stalling while transitioning from one activity to another.
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Forgetting to do something (like a regular chore) or not do something (keep hands off something fragile).
Have you seen any of this? Power struggles are a totally normal part of family living, even though they can be really aggravating for parents. Our kids are learning how to assert themselves, which we ultimately want for them when they are teens and confronting peer pressure or as adults advocating healthy boundaries at work or in a relationship. Our kids are also learning how to listen and respect family members’ needs. These skills take a while to develop and require practice and reinforcement. Our household is our child’s first community.
How can we cultivate the autonomy we want for our child, maintain a positive home environment AND get our needs met? There are some strategies that will support all of these goals, some are best implemented proactively, others responsively, and many can be used in both conditions.
In real life, here are some examples of what these strategies might sound like:
Make Agreements
Child: “Can we watch a show as a family tonight?”
Parent: “I’m ok with that if you brush your teeth, put on your jammies, and understand that we’ll only have time for one book tonight. Sound good?”
Find times for child to say “no”
Parent: “I’m going to make some cookies, do you want to join me?”
Child: “No, I’m having fun playing.”
Offer Choices (proactive)
“It’s time to put your shoes on. Do you want to wear your sandals or your tennis shoes?”
Offer Choices (responsive)
Parent: “It’s time to get ready for bed.”
Child: *dawdles*
Parent: “Would you rather brush your teeth first or put on your jammies first?”
Do the unexpected/Have fun
Parent: “It’s time to get dressed.”
Child: *ignoring*
Parent: “I’ll time you to see how fast you can get dressed. Ready, set, go!”
Give Responsibility/Job (proactive)
Parent: “After you buckle up, I have a very important job for you: can you count how many green lights we see on the way to the post office?”
Give Responsibility/Job (responsive)
Parent: “Sit still so that I can tie your shoes.”
Child: *wiggles, giggles, not sitting still*
Parent: “I need your help. Hold my water bottle for me while I tie your shoes.”
Don’t engage/Withdraw (responsive)
Parent: “Before we go for a bike ride, I need everyone to clean up the living room.”
Child: “No, way! It’s not my stuff! I’m not going to pick anything up.”
Parent: *takes a deep breath* “I’ll be sitting right here, ready to go when you are done.”
Fantasize Solutions (responsive)
Child: “I want to have a popsicle!”
Parent: “You already had a sweet today.”
Child: “I WANT A POPSICLE!”
Parent: “I know! Popsicles are so good. What are your favorite flavors? What kind would you want?”
Not all of these strategies will work in every situation with every child. Try one of these solutions out. See what works. See what doesn’t. I have found that there are two key strategies on the table that work in almost any circumstance with any child at any age. The first is nurturing ourselves as parents. When our tank is full, our ability to be patient and flexible increases tremendously. It is difficult during this pandemic to find enough moments for self-care, I know. It might mean going to bed a little earlier or waking up before the kids or finding 10 minutes to go for a walk when you can. The second is not engaging with the power struggle. That is not to say that you should change your expectation or alter the boundary you have set. It just means that you refuse to engage in the power struggle. Do you have questions? Reach out to me! I am a PCI Certified Parent Coach® and I work with individuals and couples via phone, video call, or by appointment. Also check out my schedule for upcoming classes here.
***First published in partnership with Alakazam Toys.***
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